Embracing the Gift of Pain

In December 2023, I was invited to attend a church conference in KwaZulu-Natal. I felt a bit anxious about going, mainly because of the language barrier. Being Pedi and surrounded by predominantly Zulu speakers, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to follow the multiple speakers. However, it turned out fine—I was able to grasp the messages.

One sermon, in particular, caught my attention. The pastor began by saying, “Pain is a gift.” My initial reaction was scepticism, almost tuning out. I thought, “Who wants to experience pain?” But before I could complete my thoughts, the pastor continued, explaining, “We experience pain whether we like it or not. This is how we learn most things in life.” That’s when he truly caught my attention. I realised he wasn’t talking about physical pain alone, but all forms of pain. I could relate—I've been through enough experiences not to.

Around that time, I had been reflecting on the impact of HIV on our lives after reading a report stating that nearly 8 million South Africans are living with HIV. I began pondering how HIV has affected us over the years. I realised that, to a significant extent, it has caused immense pain in many families and communities. Some of us got infected; others lost loved ones. In some cases, people experienced severe violations of their rights—simply because they have HIV.

Today, there are people who avoid relationships or parenthood because of HIV. Others are dealing with serious health issues related to it. The thing is, HIV doesn’t just cause pain to those infected—the pain extends to loved ones, friends, and even colleagues. And since new HIV infections are still happening, this pain won’t stop. So, how do we deal with the pain?

A simple answer might be to accept it and move on. But it’s not that simple. Moving on from HIV-related pain requires a process. The pastor’s message resonated with this idea—that despite the pain we've experienced, we must find a way to move forward.

I started #LifeBeyondHIV and the Positive Convention as a way to cope with my pain and to help others who need healing too. From the day I found out I have HIV, I was in pain. I feared getting sick and dying. I wondered if my son would grow up without a father or if I would ever have a meaningful career. During that period, I realised it was pointless to remain in a state of fear. I needed to stop the pain by taking action and redefining my fear.

I asked myself, “What is the one thing I need to live a life not defined by HIV? How do I find my life beyond HIV?” The answer was clear: I needed to maintain my health so I could outlive HIV. I had to take action to find my life beyond it.

From the day you test HIV positive to the day you achieve your life beyond HIV, it’s a journey. Here’s how I did it:

1. Prepare: Once you test HIV positive, you can’t change that fact. You are now living with a chronic illness that requires both physical and mental management. Your best option is to understand the virus you have in your body. Speak to others who know more than you for information and guidance. This marks the beginning of your preparedness journey.

2. Take Action: Living a life beyond HIV is about taking action. Knowing about HIV and what it does to your body is pointless if you don’t act. It’s essential to balance your mental health, physical health, and social well-being. This includes regular health checks and staying on treatment. If you’re struggling, find a coping strategy that works for you. Most importantly, don’t let HIV stop you from living—keep pursuing love, a career, and more.

3. Be Consistent: Once you’ve found your formula for living beyond HIV, consistency is key. It’s easy to become complacent when your health is stable and stress levels are low. Don’t drop the ball. Challenge yourself to remain healthy and resilient.

Achieving a life beyond HIV takes time. It can be hard, especially if you lack information or support. There will be days when you feel demotivated or frustrated because HIV seems overwhelming. This is when you need mental strength and the support of your people—whether they’re healthcare workers, counsellors, or trusted friends.

When you reach a point where you worry less about being HIV positive, you’ve arrived at your life beyond HIV. You’ve used your pain to achieve positive living and become your own game changer. Imagine that!

How has pain changed your life?